14 Ways Partners Can Help in Pregnancy, Birth, & Postpartum

By: Madelene Martin

Do you find yourself saying, “We are pregnant?” This ‘we’ mentality, especially when it extends to sharing the load, can be exceptionally beneficial during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. Odds are that your partner is going to need lots of help during these periods. Here are some practical ways that you can be a huge help.

Pregnancy

Pregnancy puts a new kind of strain on her body. While pregnancy is a biologically normal process, she may be tired, hungry, emotional, and more. 

1. Taking care of extra chores

This looks different for every family, but taking on additional load at home can remind her that you see the work that she is doing in carrying your baby. Also, she may have trouble keeping up with her portion of the housework as she deals with nausea, tiredness, swelling, pain, and more. Ask her what chores would be the most helpful for you to take over and start there.

Depending on how you and your partner divide household labor, you may already be doing all of the cooking. If so, be sensitive to her cravings and aversions and know that these can change over the course of her pregnancy. If your partner does most of the cooking or if you share cooking, take on some more meals! Cooking can be difficult when one is nauseated, but she will still need to eat, and you can be a huge help here.

2. Go to appointments as you are able

Everyone’s work schedule is different, but if you are able, attend her prenatal visits. You will hear how she and the baby are doing, learn about pregnancy and birth, and support your partner all at the same time. If you aren’t able to make all of the appointments, the ultrasounds are typically the ones that partners will choose to attend. 

3. Letting her sleep

Her body is doing a lot of work in pregnancy! Restorative sleep is needed and often craved during this time. Encourage her to take naps, sleep when she can, and put her feet up. She may feel guilty for sleeping or may feel that she needs to be doing other things; remind her to listen to her body and that those things will still be there when she wakes.

4. Being a listening ear and extending grace

An increase of hormones in pregnancy cause most to be moody and emotional. Have extra grace in this period. She probably did not mean (or did not mean to say) those comments that seem out of character for her. If harsh words are said, try not to retaliate and remember that it could be her pregnancy talking (but don’t say this aloud!). 

Additionally, she may want to talk more, especially about pregnancy, birth, and baby topics. Remember that she is intensely feeling pregnancy. She may not be able to go about her day without feeling nauseated, glancing at her bump in the mirror, having any number of discomforts, or feeling the baby move inside of her. So while it may be tempting to get bored of these same conversations or to disengage, provide her with your listening ear and use her excitement to boost your own.

4. Asking her what feels good

Pregnancy comes with lots of aches and pains. Some common discomforts include (but are surely not limited to) pain and itching in the skin over the bump, back pain, hip pain, headaches, digestive issues, round ligament pain (on either side of the bump near where her leg meets her abdomen), and lighting crotch (shooting pain in the vaginal area and pelvis). Note if she mentions that skin in certain locations hurts and avoid touching there. Ask if you can give her a massage, put counter pressure (sustained pressure) on a certain painful area, or if she has ideas of what may feel good. 

Birth

Maybe it is because I am a birth worker, but I would argue that there is nothing quite like birth. During the ups and downs and all the unknowns, your constant support will be invaluable.

5. Staying by her side

Birth is both highly anticipated and very scary for most women. Continuous support is the best thing that you can offer your partner. This means being by her side throughout labor, staying awake when she is awake, and remaining engaged during the process. While it might be tempting to get on your phone, watch television, or work, she may feel abandoned in that moment. So stay near her the whole time and stay physically connected when you can. Holding hands and massage can mean so much more than you may think. At the same time, you need to take care of yourself. Make sure to pack more snacks than you anticipate needing. If you need to step out to use the restroom or get some food, make sure you ask if she needs anything. Her nurse will periodically come in to check her vitals; this can be a great time to leave for a moment if you need to. You can always ask if her nurse can stay with her while you are gone. And if you have a birth doula, we offer advice for how to help during birth, someone to give you a break, and knowledge of pregnancy and birth.

6. Keeping some comments to yourself

Birth is a unique experience. There are sights, smells, sounds, and activities that are very different from anything else. So while you may be thinking all kinds of things, there are some things that you won’t want to verbalize. You won’t want to share that anything is gross, that you are tired, that your back hurts, or that you are hungry (if she is unable to eat). Remember that this is a very vulnerable time for her and that she may be very sensitive.

7. Comfort measures

One of my favorite things as a doula is getting to teach partners comfort measures and watching mothers sigh in relief at the break from pain. Don’t underestimate your value in the labor and delivery room! So whether this looks like slow dancing with your partner, giving massages, or squeezing her hips, learn some of these comfort measures and offer them to your partner in labor. The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin is a great book to learn these tools.

8. Keeping ice water fresh

Hormones may make your partner have drastic temperature swings. One moment she may be freezing and the next she may be throwing all the blankets off. Keep both her jug of ice water to drink and a basin of ice fresh and available. You can leave some washcloths in the basin of ice and add some water to it. That way, they will always be cold when she gets hot.

9. Encouraging words

While everyone else in the room may know birth really well, you are the expert on your partner. You know what will lift her up and what she may need to hear. Remind her frequently that she is doing a great job, that you love her, and that you are proud of her. You are the one that she will look to and celebrate with when your baby is in her arms. 

Postpartum

The postpartum period may look very different from what you and your partner expect; keep your mind open, your schedule free, and your support up to ease the transition to life with a newborn. 

10. Managing visitors

Sometimes, the people that want to come visit your new baby are overwhelming. Before birth, talk with your partner and come up with a plan for how you will know she is overwhelmed or tired of visiting. Some couples choose a code word, some have a look that says everything, or some have a secret hand motion. Whatever you choose, your partner will rest easier knowing that she just has to give the signal and you will remind everyone that mom and baby need their sleep. 

11. Diaper changes, burping, & holding baby upright, so that she can sleep

Regardless of how you feed your baby, many parents are surprised at the number of times that a newborn has to eat, morning and night. If your partner is breastfeeding, you may feel like you can’t be of that much help, but I assure you that you absolutely can! Most families find a rhythm that often looks like diaper change, feed, burp, and hold baby upright for a given length of time. So even if your partner is breastfeeding, the only thing that you can’t do is the feed. When your baby wakes, offer to change their diaper and hand them to your partner clean. After she breastfeeds or bottle feeds (or you bottle feed), you can burp the baby, hold them upright, and then soothe them to sleep. This will give your partner the chance to sleep a little longer. 

Additionally, you could work out a staggered sleep schedule. This is when one partner will manage baby care until a certain time during the night and then the other partner will take over baby care. With this method, one partner sleeps uninterrupted in the evening and early night and the other partner sleeps uninterrupted in the late night and morning. Find what works best for you and your partner to both get quality sleep. 

12. Preparing meals and snacks

After birth, your partner’s body will be recovering. You want to encourage her to rest frequently and feed herself well. You can prepare or organize (if family and friends are brining food) meals and snacks. If she is breastfeeding, she will need additional nutrients and may be hungry more often. Make sure that you keep the pantry and fridge stocked with food. Grocery pickup can be your best friend!

13. Watching out for warning signs

After birth, your partner’s medical provider will go over some warning signs to look for. These can include fever, excessive vomiting, and uneven swelling. If she has stitches, warning signs also include oozing or pus at the stitch site, separation of the skin, and redness, heat, or streaking in the skin surrounding the stitches. Keep an eye out for these atypical but serious signs.

Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are the most common complication following birth. These include anxiety, depression, bipolar, psychosis, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). If your partner seems off, cannot sleep, cannot stop worrying, or has thoughts of hurting herself or the baby, reach out to a perinatal therapist, perinatal psychiatrist, or her medical care provider. Visit Postpartum Support International at postpartum.net to learn more about Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders and find a provider near you or visit UNC’s Center for Women’s Mood Disorders (https://www.med.unc.edu/psych/wmd/) to learn about treatment in the Triangle. Additionally, 1 in 10 partners experience a PMAD. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms also reach out. There is help and healing.

14. Reminding her that she is a good mom even when feelings are up and down

Emotions fluctuate in the postpartum period, and many women feel that they are not a good mom. Be a steady reminder for her that she is in fact a good mom and point out all the ways that she is responding to your baby. Help her look at the evidence; this therapy tool of looking around you for anything to suggest that your belief is true or false can be helpful in this time. When she responds to the baby’s cries, cuddles the baby, talks and sings, and feeds the baby, these all present evidence that she is a great mom. Emphasize that you believe in her, that no one has it all together with a new baby, and that you are there throughout it all to be with her, help her, and support her. 

So while it may in fact be that your partner is pregnant, you can make a huge difference in her pregnancy and experience. Don’t underestimate your worth in both emotional and physical support. Pregnancy, birth, and postpartum can come with so many emotions and feelings; remember that you are the one your partner wants to share everything with and that you have all that you need for the journey ahead.

Madelene Martin is the doula, educator, and owner behind The Beginnings Center. She supports families through competent care, evidence based information, and non-judgmental support. To learn more about The Beginnings Center’s birth and postpartum doula services, classes, groups, and more, visit www.thebeginningscenter.com 

Last medically reviewed on July 25, 2023